Part II – Party in the Farmhouse
Cast your minds back, if you will, to that horrid winter of 2020. Specifically, November and December. After a period of isolation which lasted a month of Mondays for everyone, we were given a very brief glimpse of what life was formerly like before both time and the country stopped. Shops, restaurants, and more importantly, bars and bookstores opened up, albeit in a very limited capacity, but still. I’m sure for a lot of people, anything beat being locked up with their vengeful demons with nothing but a ration of a walk per diem to take their minds off the turmoil which exists within. But very quickly we all fell into a relapse and had to be booked into the rehab clinic in our own homes. Stay home, protect the NHS, save lives they told exhorted us. And those who were caught not staying at home and not protecting the NHS and not saving lives were fined £200 per person for any indoor gathering, £800 for any such gathering over fifteen people, and £10,000 for anyone who has enough friends to host a party of over thirty people. Fines double with repeat offences.
Home Secretary and future head of the British Gestapo, Priti Patel said that the government would “not stand by while a small number of individuals put others at risk.”
So, the scene stands something like this. Everyone holed up indoors again with twice the sting after that short-lived taste of freedom. People dropping like flies as the Covid death toll started to mean bloody business. Streets and roads all over the country kissed with desertion, looking and feeling the closest they possibly can to how peaceful it’d be if people stopped bothering one another with their existence. The anarchists and ungovernable among us continued to get together clandestinely and drank wildly through the days, many got away with it, some didn’t. In light of recent revelations, it seems the ones who got away with it also include many politicians, the very people who made us swallow these rules like orderlies shoving anti-psychotic pills down a patient's throat.
*
The British Government has been something of a scandal magnet lately because just a mere day after the public found out that cocaine blows like wind through the Parliament, our doors were darkened by the unwashed news that numerous parties were held during lockdown last year at Number 10 Downing Street and several other sites frequented by the Tories. When you say that the government won’t “stand by while a small number of individuals put others at risk” does that extend to members of that same government, Ms Patel?
Like the tremolo whiste of a bomb in free fall, the first reports of an illegal party appeared on December 7th, 2021, and in the following days as the list of alleged parties grew longer and longer the Tories’ composure was blasted to bits by the carpet bombing which casted dark shadows of aspersions upon them. The Tories were reduced to the state of rats on a sinking ship, scuttling around without direction, throwing their own overboard, and all of them trying to put as much distance between them and the rat leader. And this is how the ship struck the iceberg, so to speak, on December 7th, ripping a large, jagged hole in the hull of the Tories’ vessel.
December 22nd, 2020. In a sparsely filled room are sat Downing Street staff on black chairs, notebooks and pens in hand, pretending to be journalist, a living embodiment of the question of why people would pretend to be journalists. Their eyes are fixed on the words coming out of the mouth of the woman up at the podium. With two large British flags hanging lazily against a blue background behind her, Allegra Stratton, political aide, now former, is holding a mock news conference, answering various questions asked by her colleagues who still for some reason are pretending to be journalists. A certain question is asked which disrupts the flow of the proceedings.
“I’ve just seen reports on Twitter that there was a Downing Street Christmas party on Friday night [making that the 18th of December 2020, this will become a significant date later on], do you recognise any of that?” Special Adviser to the PM, Ed Oldfield asks.
Knowing that she’s in troubled water, Stratton immediately blurts out, “I went home”, but wanting to clarify a bit further she ventures for an explanation. All the words fly off like birds freed from their cramped existence in a small cage, and a truly vacant expression wipes over her face.
Noticing her pale white skin slowly taking on the texture of a brick wall, Ed interjects with a follow up to maybe reverse the process of Stratton transforming into a wall.
“Would the Prime Minister condone having a Christmas party?” he gets straight to the point.
She’s in the soup now. What’s the answer to such a question? She knows full well that a party took place, and most probably so do her colleagues sitting before her, so lying isn’t going to cut it. But I must protect the man I work for too, she thinks. That tied up with the red pangs to tell the truth, or at least some version of it, which were flashing in some far-off corner of her brain, made for one ambivalent thought process.
“What’s the answer?” she spits out while keeping as straight of a face as humanly possible with the synapses all knotted up.
Another aide in the corner then says, “It wasn’t a party, it was cheese and wine” as if there’s any distinction between the two. While the commonfolk get drunk on corner shop booze and eat plastic slices of Mild Cheddar off stale toast, the politicians drink fine wine with small pieces of Roquefort and green olives skewered on a toothpick. It’s essentially the same thing in an insane world.
“Is cheese and wine alright?” Stratton asks for a clarification, adding with a hint of irony “it was a business meeting.”
Not lost on any of her colleagues, a collection of laughter gathers from the mouths of the ‘journalists’ sat before her. Something catches Stratton’s eye, a subtle glint of the light from the lamps in the press room flicking off the camera lens staring her straight in the face. Her heart almost sinks realising that she and her colleagues have babbled on a bit too far, but she reassures herself that it’s all just a mock press briefing anyway, none of this will ever see the light of day. With her head in her hands and a Cheshire smile dividing her face, she exclaims that this is being recorded. But hey, no one’s ever going to see this, so might as well give them a straight answer.
“This fictional party was a business meeting, and it wasn’t socially distanced.” She lays it on them.
And this is where the video, which will be like a millstone around the necks of the Tories for the coming weeks, ends.
This wasn’t the very first mention of a party however, as the word has already been circulating among press circles of some party which took place in Downing Street last year. When asked about this in press conferences, Downing Street representatives have steadfastly denied the existence of any such party. Suddenly, iTV obtains this video clip and Downing Street’s entire statement falls apart. Also, a source for the BBC, who they claim is rather credible, attests to a party which took place on the 18th of December 2020 with food and drinks served and “several dozen” people in attendance, many of which stayed past midnight. Well, who the hell is telling the truth? Or more befitting the profession of politics, who the hell is lying?
With the video clip looming over Downing Street like the blade of guillotine, their statement says, “There was no Christmas Party. COVID rules have been followed at all times.” Downing Street are remaining obstinate in their denial, hoping enough people will mistake it for the truth. Seeing as they mention Covid rules, let’s recap what the rules were when this supposed party took place. London at the time was under Tier 3 restrictions, meaning indoor household mixing was totally banned, and if any gathering was “absolutely necessary” then it could be no more than two people. A Christmas party/cheese and wine/business meeting does not constitute as “absolutely necessary”.
The BBC took their line of questioning to Liz Truss, Foreign Secretary, and a strong candidate for Boris’ replacement when he is eventually dragged by his heels out of Downing Street and whipped in the middle of the road until his spinal cord is visible. Good god, got a bit carried away there… Anyway, when asked about the party she just played the usual politico game of shifting the attention to somebody else. “I don’t know the details of what happened. I know the Prime Minister’s spokesperson answered those details.” Well, she needs to keep her hands squeaky clean if she’s to move into the Prime Minister’s residence soon, and the best way to do that is to distance herself from the current Prime Minister right now. Unsatisfied by this flaccid answer, they pushed her with a cutthroat why should people follow Covid rules when No.10 doesn’t. “We do follow the rules on Covid” says she. Sure.
As more people close to Downing Street are asked whether they follow Covid restrictions, every single exchange is beginning to take on the pattern of,
No you don’t
Yes we do
No you don’t
Yes we do
No you don’t
Yes we do
No you don’t
Yes we do
Yes you do
No we don’t
GASP!
If only it were that easy to catch these duplicitous bastards out. But they wouldn’t have gotten to where they are now if the old switcheroo worked on them.
Alright, it seems neither one of these dolts is giving us a clear answer. Why don’t we just ask the Prime Minister? He does after all live right above 10 Downing Street, in a modest little flat numbered 11. If there was indeed a party which went past midnight with “several dozen” people around, surely, he must’ve heard it. Unfortunately, he was quite taciturn on the matter, only saying he was “satisfied” no rules were broken.
Hold on a minute here… just what exactly are you saying here Boris? Did a party not take place, or did it actually take place but no Covid rules were broken? But how could no Covid rules be broken when any gathering of more than two people was illegal? Everyone, even the idiots, noticed this unmistakable discrepancy between the statements given by Downing Street and the Prime Minister. A certain naughty boy with unkempt hair forgot to get his story straight, didn’t he? Multiple painful groans were audibly heard around Downing Street when the people working themselves to the bone to keep this matter under wraps find out that Boris Johnson and his jabbering tongue and peanut sized brain is undoing all their effort. “A simple No would’ve done!” many of them scream as they try to peel their faces off with their hands in annoyance.
By the time word of this party hit the street, it was open season on Boris Johnson and Downing Street. Those both with and against him jumped on the opportunity to take a swing at him.
Sir Roger Gale, a senior Tory says, “the buck stops at the top.” He’s demanding straight answers from Boris when he appears at the Commons later that day for the Prime Minister Questions. “He’s wrong, there was a party, and apologise, or to say definitively there was no party. If he says that, I will believe him… because that will be on record at the dispatch box and of course to mislead the House of Commons would be a resignation matter.”
Former chair of the Conservatives, Baroness Warsi is calling for every employee who attended that party to resign. “No ifs, no buts” she says with the air of a nanny. “The rule of law is a fundamental value, the glue that binds us together as a nation. Once that is trashed by those in power the very essence of our democracy is at stake.”
Representing the Scottish, Westminster leader of the Scottish National Party, Ian Blackford insists that Boris “must remove himself from office immediately” if the party took place.
On the opposition, leader for the Labour Party, Sir Kier Stamer pointed out that the people of this country had “followed the rules even when that meant being separated from their families” with many being “unable to say goodbye to their loved ones.” His right hand, deputy leader Angela Rayner also expressed her livid humanity, “Nearly 150,000 people have died in the UK from Covid. They partied, we paid.” It’s not quite clear whether either Stamer or Rayner have realised how disingenuous their bids for humanity and thinking of the people actually sound. They might truly mean every word of what they say, but when coming from the opposition who have their own agenda, one can’t help but notice how their words mechanically play on the emotions of the public. Although, it’s a damn good strategy under the circumstances, dealing heavy wreckage to the Conservatives and turning Kier Stamer’s naïve fantasy of moving into 10 Downing Street that much more real.
Dr. Saleyah Ahsan of the COVID-19 Bereaved Families for Justice Group (quite a mouthful there) recounts of the moment when her jaw removed itself from her head and hit the floor as she watched the video, bringing back painful flashbacks from last December when her father fell ill and died to Covid. This latest screw up of the governments was like a “bullet to the chest” she says, showing their complete “lack of regard for the rest of us.” And she impressively managed to say all of this without her jaw.
Even the pigs are jumping into the ring. The London Metropolitan Police have gotten their hands on the video and are reviewing it as they say, but they aren’t making any promises as it’s not “part of their policy to routinely investigate retrospective breaches of Covid 19 regulations.” What this little policy of theirs really means is that they are dancing to cacophonous tune of the government and will do their very best to do their very least at investigating them.
Seeing that the Met Police don’t care for retrospective breaches of Covid rules, let me make one thing crystal clear here. I don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone breaks Covid rules or hosts/attends illegal underground parties, so long as you’re respectful and considerate to the people who do want to follow the rules. The sort of people who broke Covid rules were well aware of the risk they were putting themselves in, weighed up their odds and figured they were pretty good. What does ruffle my feathers up is when the same government who demanded that people put their lives on hold to protect everyone else, not only prosecuted the ones who didn’t, but went ahead and broke their own laws behind closed doors. Makes one wonder what other things they might be getting up to which we aren’t allowed. So, if I sound like a rule-crazy maniac, it’s just because I’m applying the same rules they crushed us all under.
*
As conventions would dictate, there must always be a scapegoat in every disaster. In this one, the choice would be obvious and unanimous. The one who blurted us out into the open, Downing Street staff thought. So, the very next day, on the 8th of December, 2021, standing right outside her front door as if she just finished a cup of tea and came out to carry out the task, Allegra Stratton resigned. Unbeknownst to her and the people she resigned (or was forced to resign) to protect, she just drove them deeper into the mire.
Wearing a puffy jacket which she seems a bit too warm in judging by the sweat… oh wait, those are tears, she reads out,
“The British people have made immense sacrifices in the battle against Covid 19. I now fear my comments in the leaked video may have become a distraction from that fight. My remarks seem to make light of the rules, rules that people were doing everything to obey. That was never my intention. I will regret these remarks for the rest of my days and offer my profound apologies to all of you for them. I understand the anger and frustration the people felt. To all of you who lost loved ones, endured intolerable loneliness and struggled with your business – I am sorry and this afternoon I have offered my resignation.”
I don’t know the effect she or they desired from this, but one thing this has most certainly cleared up for a lot of people is that a party on the 18th of December 2020 took place. Why else would she resign? Perhaps for talking too much for her own good, but if it’s pure nonsense, which the nonexistence of said party would’ve been, then it’s of no threat to anyone.
The content and tone of her actual apology has struck a polarising chord with the people, however. A senior prosecutor who has vocally campaigned for the victims of Covid 19 after losing loved ones, who goes by the name of Nazir Afzal says, “I accept Allegra Stratton’s apology, but she was not the problem. A good leader doesn’t blame the staff. A good leader takes responsibility.”
Incidentally said “good leader” mentioned something along those same lines the very same day. At a Covid press briefing, Boris Johnson spoke of Stratton as an “outstanding spokesperson” who he is “very sorry to lose. I take full responsibility for everything that happens in our government, and I have throughout the pandemic.” Well Boris actions speak louder than words, and you’ve been doing a hell of a lot of talking lately.
Robert Peston, the political editor for ITV and someone who goes way back with Stratton to her days as a journalist, echoes the obvious thought that her resignation merely confirms the existence of the party. “It would be nonsensical for Stratton to resign if the Downing Street party had never happened, and she wasn’t conspicuously making light of it. So, she has just blown up the Prime Minister’s ‘I’ve been assured the party never happened.’” Precisely. And after all, didn’t she claim to have gone home? So why on Earth would she resign/they make her resign if she wasn’t even at the party in question in the first place? This has all the signs of massive cracks in the government think-tank. They cooked up this gesture of resignation but didn’t stop to think of its implications until after they were spelt out to them by the natural course of things.
A Jo Goodman, co-founder of that mouthful of a group whose name feels like wolfling down an entire loaf of bread, the Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice Group, is raising her hand at the back of the classroom to chip in a comment. She’s waving her hands wildly from side to side like a dynamo. Alright, speak. “There simply was no way she could’ve stayed in the position after the hurt her words have caused bereaved families over the last 24 hours. If she’s truly sorry, she now needs to tell the truth, the full truth. That means coming clean on what happened, and who was there.” Just imagine, disgruntled and cheated out of her job, Allegra Stratton leaks a list of all the fools – including possibly the Prime Minister – who attended not just the party on the 18th of December, but all the other ones the public had no idea about at that time, then promptly she goes underground and escapes to a quiet existence in the Scottish Highlands to evade the wrath of her former colleagues. Imagine the headlines!
POLITICAL AIDE TURNED FUGITIVE.
WHERE IS ALLEGRA STRATTON?
Let’s stop right there. Although that would be the ideal outcome, that’s just not the sort of world we inhabit Jo Goodman, co-founder of Covid-19 Bereaved Families for Justice Group. Allegra Stratton’s position in politics has her in very close proximity to a lot of political heavies, more specifically Boris Johnson and his cronies, who would make great unspeakable leaps to keep their interests secure. She’s far too close to the scandal, and just because she’s resigned/strong armed to resign doesn’t mean that she’s severed herself from the likes of them. What her resignation has really achieved is taken her out of public circulation, she a voice or a face that won’t be heard or seen from often, if not, at all. If she threatened to go public, there’s every chance that some disreputable characters assigned by her former connections will subject her to a thorough demonstration of how to disappear from the face of the Earth, and no one will ever hear about it. Sounds like conspiracy, doesn’t it? It certainly would sound like the ravings of a dingbat conspiracy theorist had history not been littered with similar situations, take Stalinist Russia, the Nazis, and North Korea for instance. Screaming Christ do you know what you’re saying? Is using the British government in the same sentence as a dictatorship really a fair comparison? Maybe not now, but it will be later. All we’re missing is a solipsistic megalomaniac, and we’re in no short supply of those on both ends of the political tug-of-war.
*
Just when they managed to nip one problem in the bud, the Tories found themselves the very next day with a backyard full of problems. On December 9th, 2021, while the people who attended the now infamous Downing Street Christmas party of the 18th bit their nails and played damage control, reports of numerous more parties began to emerge like powerful sprays of water shooting out of the cracks of a soon to burst dam.
Carrying his bloated bulk into the Commons for the Prime Minister Questions, Boris Johnson wanted to address some things. Firstly, he expresses just how “furious” he is, not so much at the clip itself but the fact that it came out and the culprits got caught. So much for taking responsibility of everything that happens in his government, right? The very day before he suddenly changed his tune, going from being “satisfied” that no rules were broken, to saying he was “repeatedly assured that there was no party and that no Covid rules were broken.” Repeatedly assured by who, his selective hearing? For someone who lives right next to where the party happened, he’s awfully deaf. Or our considerate neighbour knew the party was happening.
As the oven door opened, a heavenly warmth blanketed the faces of the three political aides, followed by the scent of carrot cake issuing from the round baking tin sitting in the middle of the oven. They stare hungrily at their golden-brown creation, fighting off the temptation which manifested itself as watering mouths. The cake isn’t for them. After unlatching the sides of the cake tin, they carefully lift the side so as to not damage the cake. Still warm and wafting carrot everywhere, the aides pipe vanilla cream all over the top in little rosettes and take the cake and head next door to 11 Downing Street. One of the aides knocks on the polished black wooden door and waits. Swinging outwards, the door reveals a rather large Prime Minister standing and filling the doorways, staring fixedly into the faces of three giddy looking aides, one of them bearing a cake.
“Hello Mr Prime Minister! How do you do today?” the aide on the left says.
“I’m quite alright, to what do I owe this pleasure?” Boris Johnson replies humbly.
“You see, we’re hosting a Christmas party next door at Number 10, and we just wanted to display the consideration of letting you know.” The aide on the right says.
“We baked you some carrot cake!” the cake bearer in the middle says as he extends the cake towards Johnson’s bulging cauldron of a belly.
“Well, anyone who knows anything knows that I love cake.” Barks Johnson enthusiastically while accepting the cake. “Anything else chaps?”
The three aides look at each other like clueless piglets, with Johnson impatiently tapping his feet at his doorway. Suddenly they’re all struck with what they think is proper behaviour and say altogether,
“You can come join us if you like…”
Both of Johnson’s snow-white eyebrows lift in approval and he congratulates them with, “Wonderful gentlemen, I might make an appearance if I can find the time. Thank you for the kind invitation.” He dips his finger into the cream and licks it before closing the door and disappearing into the depths of his lavish cave, leaving the aides standing satisfied at the door.
Oops, got a bit lost in that scenario there. Where were we? Yes, at the PMQs, now that he was certain that no party took place, he appointed a Civil Servant to investigate the party that took place. Hmmm did I type that correctly? I did. Goddamnit Boris stop making me question my lucidity with your contradictions.
Described as a “top” civil servant, whatever that means, Simon Case is the man who will snoop around the Tories’ lawns and see if they have any corpses buried there. This totally unthreatening looking man will question aides, staffers and other politicians who are under suspicion of attending any of the gatherings, or anyone who may have any information about them. It’ll go down as a formal interrogation devoid of all the aggression and intensity which makes a criminal interrogation fun. Although, let’s keep one thing securely in mind. This man was appointed by Boris Johnson himself. He isn’t some independent who is free from the influences of the people he is investigating. So right from the very start, this inquiry stinks of bias.
Speaking of criminals, the Met Police have refused to pursue any investigation on the Christmas parties. By 1:04pm, the predictable happened, they fell back on that policy of theirs to not waste time on retrospective breaches of Covid rules. “Based on the absence of evidence […] the Met will not commence an investigation at this time.” They claim that all they really have on their hands at the time is a “significant amount of correspondence” relating to the lawbreaking which went down at Downing Street, and because a bunch of emails and letters don’t really constitute as hard evidence of a crime being committed, they don’t see the point in following it further. But if the Met Police were doing their job properly rather than protecting the pigs like a pack of feral dogs, they’d use this “significant amount of correspondence” as the basis for an investigation to gather evidence, which is as you may know… the whole point of an investigation.
However, they did add that “if any evidence is found as a result of that investigation [referring to Simon Case’s inquiry into the parties] it will be passed to the Met Police for further consideration.” But it won’t get to that will it Simon?
As the reports of multiple parties began to emerge out of the ground like grave mist, Boris Johnson strained every muscle in his body to keep his cool. I believe he thinks it worked, but we all know better. When asked at a press conference, what say you to Simon Case’s inquiry extending to more than one party? the Prime Minister tried to pass his stomach-churning fear off as nonchalance by saying, “He may wish to look at other things but that is a matter, frankly, for him.” But of course, we could hear what he was really saying.
“I’m not at all concerned about your snooping Simon… hey is it me or is it very warm here; I’m sweating like a pig.” *loosens his collar and gulps audibly*
Because it needs no mentioning that by 4pm on this day the number of illegal rule-breaking parties organised and attended by politicians grew to a whole list. Just how are they going to wriggle their way out of this one?
· May 15th, 2020
Reports for this one crawled out of the sarcophagus a lot later than the others, but in keeping with the chronology, this is the first reported party at Downing Street. During the first national lockdown, these people gathered in the back garden of Downing Street to gorge themselves on cheese and wine. This one comes with a picture too which nails all the people who appear in it to the wall be their tracheas. Taken from a high angle, probably by a CCTV camera, the picture is a funhouse of disgrace. In the sunny back garden of Number 10 are Boris Johnson and his wife Carrie, who is holding their newborn spawn, and around 17 other aides in attendance spread over the bright green grass of the terrace, including the Health Secretary at the time, Matt Hancock. On the table at which the PM and his wife are sat, as well as a table off in the distance are bottles of wine and a cheeseboard. Restrictions at the time limited household mixing to a strict maximum of 2 people outside with two meters in between them, and those in person meetings should take place only when “absolutely necessary.”
Last week, Number 10 haughtily denied that a social gathering took place on this date last year, so The Guardian and The Independent took off on a joint investigation to see whether Downing Street were talking out of their ass or not. Lo and behold, they get a hold of this smoking gun of a picture and plaster it all over their articles on their respective websites and prints.
On that very day, Matt Hancock gave a press conference at 5pm, urging the people to stay the hell indoors. Yes, the weather is wonderful and not a cloud in sight but forget about that. Stay inside! Yet here is the leader of our country who passed the rule to stay inside, clearly gambolling around in the sun like a donkey who’s been cooped up in his stable for too long. According to him, he was just working in the garden before he retired to his flat at 7pm. A source claims that the PM spent about 15 minutes with the staff outside, then inside told an aide that they deserved a drink for “beating back” coronavirus. Excuse me… “beating back”? If memory serves, things got exponentially worse right after that didn’t they? Well, whatever, some other insiders claim that at this party which they described to have a “celebratory feel”, 20 staff members drank wine and spirits and ate pizza following Mat Hancock’s press conference. Some stayed late into the evening.
When asked for a comment, Downing Street were very careful with their words, acknowledging everything happening in the picture except the booze and socialising, so in other words, stating nothing. “In the summer months Downing Street staff regularly used the garden for some meetings. On 15th of May, 2020 the Prime Minister held a series of meetings throughout the afternoon, including briefly with the then Health and Care secretary and his team in the garden following a press conference.” Once the picture followed the thunder like a flash of demented lightning, they added to their statement in passive aggressive tones, “As we said last week, work meetings take place in the Downing Street garden in the summer months. On this occasion there were staff meetings after a No.10 press conference.” Alright, lets for a moment lose our marbles and believe everything that Downing Street are saying. So, either that’s definitely a work meeting as their statement says and high-level politicians, including the Prime Minister are drinking on the job, or this isn’t a work meeting and they’re all getting drunk together while the law clearly stated not to. Dealer’s choice.
Wanting to cover his back, Matt Hancock immediately dialled his spokespeople and got them to lash out a statement to spell out his innocence. In defence, his spokesperson said, “After the press conference which finished at approximately 5:53pm, Matt debriefed his own team, then went to the Downing Street garden to debrief the Prime Minister. He left Downing Street at 6:32pm and went back to the Department for Health and Social Care.” Well, he seems pretty scott-free because there’s nothing really to suggest that he stayed late and made a drunken fool of himself.
Of course, no report of an illegal party on the Tories’ turf would be complete without an acrimonious comment from their opposition. Deputy leader of the Labour Party, Angela Rayner was caught sniffing around for scraps, so I decided to throw her a bone and let her have a few words. “This picture is utterly heart-breaking to see for the people that spent the first wave of the pandemic on the frontlines of our health service, desperately missed their loved ones, enduring loneliness, missing funerals… Boris Johnson’s government is run with the attitude that its one rule for them, and another for everyone else. He is totally unfit to run this country.”
· November 13th, 2020
This was the day Dominic Cummings, former senior adviser to Boris Johnson quit his job and left under a cloud of defeat after a failed power struggle. As a celebration of his departure from the swine-ship, a party was held at 11 Downing Street with Boris Johnson and his trophy wife Carrie Johnson, alongside a number of senior aides in attendance. Taking place during the second national lockdown, all manner of household mixing was totally prohibited. 280 people died that day of Covid.
· November 27th, 2020
This is rather a funny one because its status as a party comparable in scale to the others is still contested and the jury is still out on whether the rules were broken or not, but just in the name of thoroughness, lets include it in the record here. Another leaving party at Downing Street, this time for an aide called Cleo Watson, who used to work under Dominic Cummings. Here’s where things start to get a bit fuzzy, the Daily Mirror reports that up to 50 people were in attendance, but a social media post from Cummings himself denies it as a party.
“There was no party on Fri 27/11. Red herring. A staff member left their job. Walked to press office to say bye, PM bumbled in and started babbling, everyone embarrassed, dispersed. Focus should be on actual party in PM’s flat on Fri 13/11 reported at the time but ignored by lobby!”
Who to believe here? In any case, 451 people died that day.
· December 10th, 2020
The Department of Education hold a Christmas bash at 20 Great Smith Street. The staff get thanked for their hard work with food and drinks served. No outsiders apart from the people who work there are invited. 419 people bit the dust from Covid.
· December 14th, 2020
In the basement of the Tories’ HQ, there was held an “unauthorised social gathering” organised by Shaun Bailey – a mayoral candidate for London – and his team. Reports from The Mirror suggest that this party got a bit out of control, being described as “raucous” and some damage to property done. What makes this event even more incriminating is the photograph of everyone who attended. Twenty-four people, men and women, pose for the camera, some of them wearing Christmas sweaters, and one wearing large green Christmas tree glasses. Standing among them are Shaun Bailey, horribly underdressed at his own party in a loose-fitting white shirt, and deep-pocketed billionaire Tory donor, Nick Candy, slightly better dressed, however that being said still looking like a chubby chimney sweep without his newsboy cap. Next to them is a long white buffet table piled high with all sorts of hot and cold foods. They didn’t know it at the time, but their party portrait would go on to look like a collective mugshot a year later when the picture would be leaked on The Mirror with the sound of thunder on December 14th, 2021.
Everyone who could be damaged by the photograph immediately got their PR robots on damage control, and press releases from spokespeople began flying out like a flock of migratory birds. Shaun Bailey’s spokesperson had this to say, “On the evening of 14 December 2020, at the end of the working day, the campaign hosted a post-work event to thank campaign staff for their efforts over the course of the year. This was a serious error of judgement, and we fully accept that gathering like that at that time was wrong and we apologise.” An apology huh? Standard procedure for the person who orchestrated the damn thing. There’s nothing else he or any of his people can really say.
Another person who could’ve been badly crippled by his face appearing in that photograph was Nick Candy. All his sponsorship money will be stained with ignominy and filth if he doesn’t manage to wriggle his way out of this one, so him and his people devise a strategy which will be used over and again by other politicians and people of note caught red faced and smiling in other photographs of illegal lockdown gatherings. His spokesperson relays, “Nick Candy attended the office of the Shaun Bailey campaign for an end of year review on December 14th, 2020. He gave a short thank you speech to the team and spent some time with Shaun Bailey to discuss campaign matters, then left shortly afterwards.” Well, what do you know? It seems anyone who is photographed and caught attending an illegal party like this one was there “only for a short time” or they only stopped by to “give a thank you speech” and then “left shortly afterwards”. This go-to script has pulled many a guilty politician during this scandal out from underneath the blade, because their presence at these parties isn’t timed. Nothing short of a constantly rolling, time-stamped footage of an event can really prove who was there and for how long. Anyone who drank themselves silly and stayed for hours at the party will claim the very next day through their representatives, when some idiot misplaces a photograph taken at the event, that they only stopped by for a very short amount of time to give a thank you speech and left promptly.
Angela Rayner would be remiss if she didn’t get a word in on this party. “This is damning new evidence of a party, with a buffet, drinks, Christmas attire, and absolutely no social distancing at the Conservative Party HQ. Shaun Bailey is an elected official that is clearly breaking Covid regulations in this photo and encouraging the same of his staff. Whilst everyone made sacrifices to keep their community safe, the chair of the Police and Crime Committee in Greater London Authority was partying. His position as chair was untenable and he knew that.”
It’s funny you should mention that Angie, because Shaun Bailey quit as the chair of the London Assembly’s Police and Crime Committee pretty much immediately after this picture leaked. The fool knew he was guilty as a wasp and that a half-assed apology through his PR slave wouldn’t be enough. To get his name out of the public eye as quickly as possible and salvage what little was left of his reputation, he fell on his own sword. But he’ll nurse his wounds for a few months in hiding and secure a well-paid job in some other sector of the government soon enough. This party was an open and shut case however, as a Tory spokesperson would attest, “formal disciplinary action was taken against four CCHQ [Conservative Campaign Headquarters] staff.” 194 people were buried/cremated/disposed of another way due to Covid this day.
· December 15th, 2020
This one was a Christmas quiz held at Downing Street. Some attended the quiz virtually either from their homes or from their offices in the building, while many others turned up in person. Just for a little perspective, 459 people died of Covid that day. What started off as reports quickly turned into evidence when another picture was nailed in all its feverish glory on the forehead of an article in The Mirror. A trifle pixelated and in poor quality, but one can definitely make out the pale bloated face of Boris Johnson sitting underneath a portrait of good ol’ Maggie Thatcher, with two aides – one wearing a Santa hat and another draped in purple tinsel – on either side of him at the table. Looking incredibly fucking pleased with himself, the Prime Minister appears as quizmaster.
A source for The Mirror tells of dozens of people in attendance, many huddled around computers, guzzling wine, beer, and fizz from Tesco… I suppose even politicians must indulge in the common piss every now and again. Everyone invited was emailed in advance and told to form teams of six. In one particular office were four teams of six people according to an insider at the party. In accordance with the same source, the quiz started off with dozens of people attending online, but by 6:30pm most of them decided to move to Number 10 instead. “Everybody decided it would be more fun. It would be difficult to take part in such a large virtual quiz from home.” They go on, “No work was discussed. It wasn’t a business event. Nobody was working that evening. It was a purely social event.”
About halfway through the quiz, the staff are stupefied by a truly sorry sight (for us, not for them). The big cheese appears on screen with his two amigos on either side of him. The Prime Minister as our quizmaster?! Oh jeez boss, you’re such a hoot. Acting as quizmaster for a round which lasted for about 10-15 minutes, he asked esoteric questions like, “At her last press conference, how many Covid tests did Priti Patel say had been conducted.”, and things like policy reports and the history of Downing Street. He then announced that a small lapel pin in the shape of the black front door of Downing Street would be handed out later that night, which they, true to his word, were.
When the clocks struck 9pm around Downing Street, the quiz finished, but the staff stuck around for another two or so hours for drinks. Some stayed in their office bubbles to follow some of the rules, but many others just roamed freely around the building and mingled with other offices.
“No one ever questioned whether this was against the rules or if we shouldn’t be doing this. We all just went ahead and did it. At the time it didn’t even click that what we were doing was severely wrong. I’ve realised that it was actually pretty outrageous” admits the same source. You’re right nameless source for The Mirror, it is pretty outrageous when politicians think they’re so above the same laws they force upon people that they don’t even stop to consider exactly what laws they’re breaking. What?! No one will ever find out, and even if they did, what the hell are they going to do about it? This air of smugness permeates the circles which these political figures walk through, and it stinks of hubris.
Number 10 have been pinned down in the muddy nightmarish trenches of this scandal, having to deflect wave after wave of reports and questions of illegal gathering happening under their roof. Their unwavering tune holds that no parties took place last year. That picture, no matter how blurry, suggests otherwise. In quick response, a spokesperson for Number 10 chimed in nervously, “This was a virtual quiz. Downing Street staff were often required to be in the office to work on pandemic response so those who were in the office for work may have attended virtually from their desks. The Prime Minister briefly took part virtually in a quiz to thank staff for their hard work throughout the year.” There it is again, just a short little appearance to “thank staff” is what Boris Johnson did. But of course, Downing Street would say all of this. They have interests to protect. When under the same duress as they are, their word is as good as a testimony blurted out after days of agonising medieval torture. Anyone would say anything to save their own skin when the crosshairs are pointing straight at them.
Yet again, Angela Rayner is right at the very front of the queue to provide us with her enlightening comments. “While the rules said that people shouldn’t have Christmas parties at work and Britons across the country were doing the right thing, Boris Johnson instead happily presided over a culture of disregard for the rules at the heart of the government. He really believes its one rule for him, another for everyone else. He’s unfit to lead this country.” Very good Angela. Sterling stuff. Are you happy you got that out of you? Good, now please let someone else have their turn. But she puts it into quite clear terms she’s used before, because it is one rule for us and another for them. When asked about the parties, Boris Johnson slipped up yet again by saying, “I can tell you guidelines were followed at all times. I’ve satisfied myself that the guidelines were followed at all times.” This time he’s gone from being “repeatedly assured” that no Covid rules were broken to simply “[satisfying] himself” of the fact. The truth really is that no one is assuring him because he doesn’t need any assurance. He knows the parties took place, he allowed them to under his own roof, because he simply doesn’t give a shit. The same source who walked us through this Christmas quiz claims, “it was just part of the culture. The PM turned a blind eye. He seemed totally comfortable with gatherings.” Because for them, when they break lockdown rules and attend illegal parties or snort cocaine in the Parliament, it’s “just part of the culture”, but when we do it, we’re suddenly society’s cancer.
· December 18th, 2020
The now-infamous party which started this violent racket. Around 40 people crammed like sardines in a tin into Downing Street for a cheese accompanied by fresh baguettes and wine party. Many wore Christmas sweaters and exchanged secret Santa gifts at this well-planned event. Senior Advisor to the PM, Jack Doyle apparently handed out awards to a crowd of shit-faced staff before the party ended at 2am. By the time the day would be out, 423 people would be pronounced dead around the UK.
“I don’t think we need to call them the alleged parties, they are the parties.” Anyone in politics, much like a minister of the Shadow Cabinet Office, Fleur Anderson whom those words belong to, knows that these parties took place. To them it’s an open secret, but politicians don’t occupy the same world as you and I, so they’ll go to great pains to keep the facts of their world a secret in ours.
In spite of the fact that the mountain of reports on these illegal parties grow by the day like crazed tectonic movement during the early days of the planet, Simon Case’s investigation only covers three of them; two of them at Downing Street on the 27th of November and 18th of December 2020, and the one held at the Department of Education on the 10th of December 2020. Curiously enough those three parties are the only ones where Boris Johnson wasn’t reported to be present, or the reports were so shaky that they might as well not be believed. The ones where his presence was solidly reported will go unchecked. People seem to be totally missing this alliance between Johnson and Simon Case. People like Liberal Democrat MP Wera Hobhouse who is calling for Case to confiscate Johnson’s phone for evidence. “The public must see justice is done on this, and if that means Boris handing over his phone, then so be it.” To the guilty here, there’s no need for justice, because in their eyes they’ve done nothing wrong. And one must be tremendously naïve to think that any force less than a magnitude 9 earthquake could unhand Boris off his phone. In any case if Simon Case were to feign any publicly announced interest in the PM’s phone for the sake of keeping up impressions, who’s to say that big man Boris wouldn’t just hand him a dud? I’m letting myself get a tad carried away again, so let’s reign this babbling in before I say something bordering on slander.
Fleur Anderson has a question to ask of us. Where Boris has continuously denied, like a broken record, the existence of any parties during lockdown last year, “If this investigation finds out that the prime minister has misled the House, will he resign?” No. That one single syllable should satisfy your question, because Boris isn’t the type of man to quit. He’ll deny deny deny everything, and if that doesn’t work he’ll let the sword fall on all of his most loyal advisers around him, accidentally kicking their rolling heads as he bumbles around his office trying to think up the next pathological lie until he’s dragged by his ankles out of No.11 Downing Street into the street and subjected to such a flurry of kicks upon his stomach that he won’t be able to swallow his food while sitting down for years to come. And even then, he’ll deny any association to his crimes.
*
Since this whole Christmas party fiasco began, it’s been open season on the Tories’ inner circle. Those who have had the easiest of pickings have been the opposition, the Labour Party, scouring the forest wearing tweed jackets and armed with double barrel 12-gauge shotguns, hunting for mongrels. Instead, their barrels shoot criticisms rather than fine lead. Which is just as well because handing a firearm to any member of the Labour party would be to willingly waste good ammunition. Angela Rayner in particular has been vivaciously vocal during this saga, but how could she not when her opposition have consistently made a mockery out of themselves. It’s almost too easy.
Andrew Marr – otherwise known as “Sidemouth” in my social circles – had Labour leader Kier Stamer on his show on the 11th of December, 2021, the day that insulting picture of Boris Johnson as quizmaster at one of the parties came out. When asked his opinions on whether Boris broke any Covid rules, Stamer looking as if he just came in from a long run, said, “It looks as though he has. We’ll have to look into it, but it’s very hard to see how that’s compliant with the rules. He must’ve known that other groups were in other rooms in his own building.” In his eyes, none it looks like a business or work meeting, but in fact a “social gathering”. Ooooooh the dread social gathering, a taboo term amidst this climate of lockdowns and Covid restrictions. Anyway, he goes on, “He has damaged his authority, he is now so weak, his party so divided – he can’t deliver the leadership this country needs. He is the worst possible leader at the worst possible time.” Correction here, he’s the worst possible leader at any possible time. At least we don’t have a dictator at the helm, but then again dictators don’t lead, they just rape.
And divided his party really is. With each report of a newly unearthed illegal party, more and more members of his own party jump at the opportunity to take a swing at his already dislocated jaw.
Appearing in the Commons with smoke coming out of his ears, Bob Blackman says, “One of the key issues here is those that are making draconian rules not only have to live by the letter of the law, but by the spirit of the rule as well.” Come on now Bob, the lockdown laws were hardly draconian, yes, a bit extreme, but they were a necessary evil to freeze the spread of the virus. Although you are right, these bastards don’t get to impose a law on the rest of us and then go around breaking it behind closed doors. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, just who the fuck do these monkeys think they are?
Speaking to the BBC, Tory leader for Scotland Douglass Ross said that the PM’s 80-seat majority in the Parliament “does not allow you to do whatever you want with your officials in No.10.”
The rat king of the ship has a simmering mutiny on his hands which will very soon bubble into a violent boil. They’ve already started considering his replacement, and it’s only a matter time before they behead the bastard and throw him to the sharks. Each day Boris Johnson spends behind his desk at No.10 is borrowed time. Like Ozzy every day is blessing for him which won’t last long.
When one listens to all the vocal opprobrium the Labour leaders are hurling at the Tories and the rat-king, a glaring issue begins to glint in the light. The possibility that parties were thrown during lockdown on the opposition’s turf too. Their vociferousness belies a sort of guilt on their part too. It wouldn’t be such a great big leap to land on the speculation that members of the Labour party threw parties during lockdown too, some attended by the higher ups. This is an easy assumption to make when the fact is kept in view that most people threw or went to parties during lockdown. The members of the Labour party were just careful enough not to get caught… yet. And that’s just what is so disconcerting about the attitude the Tories have to this debacle, the tone of their apology isn’t at a pitch which conveys shame over their actions, but at a disgraceful low of getting caught. When people were fined by the police up to £1000 a pop for attending parties around the exact same time this political scum did, and the scum got away with it too, one can’t help but feel cheated, sandbagged, bamboozled, tricked, and every other synonym to these words which characterise the imbalanced system within which we’re hopelessly trapped. It may seem as innocuous as a Christmas party or a small fine, but this is where the path to autocracy starts.
Careening back to the Andrew Marr Show, yes we’re still talking about that, his next guest after Kier Stamer was the Education Secretary, Nadhim Zahawi. His comments of misdirection should be a criterion by which everyone loyal to Boris Johnson should be judged by, because the way he speaks and calls attention towards the obvious, thereby masking the real shitshow underneath is an oratory skill in itself. Or he’s just completely fucking clueless to what’s going on around him. First, he calls the press stories around these Christmas parties “hype”, and I’m inclined to agree with him because speaking as a journalist, we’re nothing more than alley cats, roaming the backstreets looking for any old rodent or small bird in the shape of a story. It’s a survival mechanism to make sense of this dreadful world, but it’s through that fastidious desperation that we unearth those vile vermin which go unnoticed by those around us. And of course, the way in which the very utterance of the words “Christmas party” have been besmirched into an act of demoniacal sacrilege is nothing short of hyperbolic hype. He then goes onto encourage that the public “can make up their own minds” on these parties. And the people did make up their minds, especially when some among them were prosecuted for doing the same thing the politicos got away with. Switching sources over to Sky News, Zahawi gives them a few comments too, defending Johnson by pointing out that he was on “a virtual call, respecting lockdown rules. Many people would have had similar Zoom quiz nights around the country.” Well, you’re right Zahawi, there was a reason why Zoom’s value saw a meteoric rise over the lockdowns, but you seem to be missing the whole point. It isn’t really clear whether Boris Johnson himself broke the rules or not appearing as quizmaster virtually on the 15th of December 2020, that is something to be debated among a couple of rule-crazy policy makers. What is actually the matter of grave preponderance here is that Boris Johnson appeared as quizmaster virtually on the 15th of December 2020 and saw that most of his team were breaking lockdown rules under his own roof by turning up in person and mingling among themselves, and he didn’t give a shit. All the while he jabbered on to the House of Commons about how he was assured or satisfied himself or whatever fresh pack of bullshit he’s been serving them that no rules were broken or that no parties were held. Furthermore, not to mention that he was completely comfortable with letting the police prosecute and fine the common folk for doing exactly the same as his officials did with impunity.
It truly appears that those who have spent enough time around Boris Johnson have had their brain cells atrophied by overexposure to his contagious idiocy to such an extent that they fail to connect the dots or see the bigger picture.
*
December 18th, 2021 was a day of certainty. The weather was certainly crap, humanity still remained a blight upon this planet, and as sure as the sun rose and would set that day, it came out that the very person bought in to investigate the existence of these parties had as many skeletons in the closet as the people he was looking into. As crooked as his appointees, namely one Simon Case. After being on the case for nine days, he stepped down when he was confronted with the news that the press got hold of reports that there was an illegal social gathering in his department too, and now they were parading through the news screeching about it.
Backed up by a Cabinet spokesperson, the party in question is another Christmas quiz which was held on the 17th of December, 2020. “Staff in the Cabinet Secretary’s private office took part in a virtual quiz on 17th December, 2020. A small number of them, who had been working in the office throughout the pandemic and on duty that day, took part from their desks, while the rest of the team were virtual. The Cabinet Secretary played no party in the event but walked through the team’s office on the way to his own office. No outside guests or other staff were invited or present. This lasted for an hour and drinks and snacks were bought by those attending. He spoke briefly to the staff in the office before leaving.” Ahhhh there it is in the end, I was beginning to wonder whether this spokesperson had drifted off the “briefly thanking the staff and leaving shortly after” script.
Had Simon just come out clean when he started his new role that a party took place in his office too, he wouldn’t be faced with this mess. But when the people running involved in our government don’t possess a single honest bone in their body, such a confession but be in the order of the impossible to them. And everyone was so shocked and surprised to find this out. It wasn’t as if the signs weren’t painfully present from the moment he was appointed by Boris. Why aren’t any of the politicians who have anything to say about this realising this? It seems that the only people really connecting the dots are a handful of journalists and Angela Rayner. Oh yeah, she had something to say, as on every other occasion. “Boris Johnson has set the tone for the government that he lives by one rule for him and another for everyone else.” You must really come up with another way of saying that because it’s starting to sound irritatingly repetitive. “People can see through that now and it’s incredibly hard to believe that no one in government knew that these parties were happening.”
As word started to spread, the screeches of this Number 10 spokesperson were heard echoing all through the afternoon like the wails of a crazed banshee. “To ensure the ongoing investigation retains public confidence the Cabinet Secretary has recused himself for the remainder of the process. The work will be concluded by Sue Gray, Second Permanent Secretary at the Department for Levelling Up, Housing and Committee. She will ascertain the facts and present her findings to the PM.” And then the PM will drop all those findings down the nearest memory hole the first chance he gets. They forgot to include that in their statement, but I’ll oblige.
Anyway, who is this Sue Gray? She’s a long serving Civil Servant, former Ethics Chief, and apparently the “real leader” who “runs Britain.” Wait, that can’t be right. Who the hell said that? Well according to the memoires of former Liberal Democrat Cabinet Minister, Oliver Letwin, she’s the one who’s really pulling the strings. By God man, why didn’t you mention this before?!
“It took me precisely two years before I realised who it is that runs Britain. Our great United Kingdom is actually run by a lady called Sue Gray, the head of ethics or something in the Cabinet office. Unless she agrees things just don’t happen. “
We can safely discount this character reference as the ravings of a dingbat. How the hell are you going to make a claim as bold as a runny whiteboard marker when you don’t even know her job title properly. “Head of ethics or something.”
Other people like Tory MP Richard Holden have described her a “formidable” and “not a pushover”. Some say she’s a “deputy god.” Seems she’s some sort of legend among these MPs, but then again, these politicians are the sort of squares who find the post boxes outside their offices the highlight of their day. But in earnest, at 64 years of age, Sue Gray has served as Ethics Chief for the government and was the Director General of the Ethics and Propriety Team for the Cabinet office for six years, during which time in 2017 she spearheaded an investigation into our previous joke of a leader Theresa May’s deputy, Damian Green. Seems the man had a porn addiction of such sort that he couldn’t resists the temptation of whacking one out at work, watching the dirty on his House of Commons computer. When exposed, he did what anyone would do when asked if they were watching pornography at work, lied, but that lie cost him his job. Good riddance, we don’t want lascivious porn-hooked arm wrestlers advising an already demented PM who was as effective at her job as using a fork to eat soup.
So now she’s inherited this investigation from her crooked predecessor, and unlike him she’s not a Boris appointee. But that hasn’t really sold it for some people, like Ian Blackford, Westminster Leader of the Scottish National Party who thinks her position as a civil servant is still influenceable. With how unsuitable he thinks it is for another civil servant to be leading this inquiry, his alternative is for it to be “done properly, it should be judge-led.” A good suggestion indeed, but even judges can be bought my friend.
Angela Rayner is leaping with joy that Sue Gray is on the hunt because “there’s a huge amount of evidence now. The investigation that Sue Gray is going to be leading – there’s evidence there – they need to carry it out swiftly to restore the public’s trust and then handover the evidence to the police. Because no one is above the law.” As much as I admire your enthusiasm Angie, it seems you’re not very quick on the uptake. I agree the evidence is impossible to ignore and towers quite high, but just like her biased predecessor, she is only looking into three parties. And you must know by now, from the Met Police’s antipathy to this whole situation that whatever evidence is handed to them will either be burned or ignored. And lastly in what world did the public ever have any trust in the government or the system? Is that a dream of yours rivalled by the unattainable desire to be dwelling in Downing Street?
Mark my words, this will go no further.
*
As I type out the final bit of this twisted saga, I remember the last words I wrote. This will go no further. And not a single inch has it moved over the last two weeks since Sue Gray was appointed. Some MPs got called in for questioning the next day but the nature of that interrogation, one could scarcely call it that, or the results never reached the press or the public. So, either the whole matter got dropped as quickly as Christmas music stops playing right after the end of the holiday, or the guilty parties cut a deal with Sue Gray. At any rate, it’s 2022 now and none of us care about illegal Christmas parties or any of the governments secret vices. We just want to forget the diabolical year we all had and move on, which means blotting out everything that happened in the last 365 days. But let this debacle be a reminder that the government are a law unto themselves. They are not the same as you and I, no matter how hard they may try to keep up that illusion. Just like the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist, the greatest weapon at the disposal of the politician is to convince us that we’re they’re equal.
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